Today I received an email with the statement “How are you doing?”
It seems like such a simple and innocent statement, but the turmoil it caused inside of me was unreal.
How am I doing? I asked my self that question a thousand times before I responded to the email. I just sat and stared at the blank white screen, ready to type but not sure of the words to say. How do I answer this honestly with out admitting everything going on inside my head.
I typed “Good.” Short. Simple. And a complete lie. I deleted it.
I tried ” I’m hanging in there.” I asked myself what that even meant. I didn’t really know. I deleted that to.
I then reverted to my usual casual statement ” I ain’t worth a shit.” But that wasn’t the professional answer I should probably say in this email. I deleted that as well.
Here I was again, staring at the blank screen.
I wanted to tell this individual that I was struggling. I was struggling everywhere. I wanted to tell ’em that I was tired all the time. I wanted to tell ’em that I am barely keeping up with my schooling, I am passing by the skin of my teeth. I wanted to say that I was sick and tired of sitting in class for 3 hours 3 nights a week. I wanted to say that I miss my wife and kid and don’t see them enough. I wanted to say that I think missed a position at work that I wanted to be in line for. I wanted to tell ’em that I am frustrated with my job, I feel like I am totally stuck. I have literally over a hundred problems and every day just adds to that list. I wanted to say that when I think about work at home I immediately tense up and get frustrated. I wanted to tell ’em that my wife is picking up on how much I am struggling but I can even talk about it without a minor anxiety panic attack. I wanted to share how hard it is to get the body type I want and how much of a drain it is being hungry all the time to try and get it. I wanted to complain about how bad my body hurts every single day. I wanted to type in all caps how I don’t feel like I am strong enough to make it through every single day. I wanted to explain the internal conflict I have with religion. I wanted to tell them that I feel so internally stressed out that I want to rip my hair out and punch something until I can not punch any more. I wanted to complain about everything. I wanted to let someone know how I truly was doing. I just wanted to be honest. But I just couldn’t… I couldn’t open up to this person with all my problems. I had a feeling that this individual had their own set of problems. Every body does.
Nobody has a perfect life. Nobody. Every body has their own issues from the monotonous day to day activities. Everyone has their own level of stress that they have to deal with. My stress will never equate to an individual in combat, or the line of duty. That doesn’t make my stress any less, because its my stress. It is my stress at my own level of stress. Maybe one day looking back, Ill have a different opinion on this point in my life, but right now. Its hard. Life is super hard. Life is so hard sometimes I just scream to the loudest music I can find just to let go of some frustration.
I couldn’t send all that in an email. I wouldn’t even be able to share this with anyone. I don’t think I could verbally say anything typed here without having some form of emotional break down. It’s hard to admit that I don’t feel strong enough to handle life.
Even as I am typing this I was just asked ” Are you good” The immediate typical response rolls out of my mouth before I can even think about the question. “Ya” That is all that I can say.
I still needed to respond to the email…
I type ” Life is a roller coaster, I just stay buckled and hope for the best”